From my sister and for my sister. (where'd you go-fort minor)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2009

I Miss You Daddy

For those of you that don't know...I lost my father on March 14th, 2005. He died of a massive heart attack. The coroners and doctors say that he didn't feel any pain. His phone was next to him in the apartment he lived in by himself. He could have called my grandma who lived a mile or two away if he needed any help or was in pain.  I didn't live with him, i hadn't since i was a little girl...but that's another story. It was a very hard thing. And only those of you out there who have lost a father and a best friend would know how i felt. 


Anyways...I have been thinking alot about my dad lately. All good things. I like to think that my grief is healed. Who knows if it is...i doubt anyone ever heals completely. Since I have been thinking about him so much, i decided to share a poem that i wrote a couple of years ago at least. I will give an explanation beneath it for some of the things stated in there. Hope you enjoy! 



Did you know that it was your last day?
Did an Angel come to say,
"Rejoice, Rejoice, for on this day,                                                     
you will be in heaven?"

Call it, Call it what you might...
I wished upon a star last night...
That even though you're not here,
I wish I could feel your presence.

Your gentle touch,
Your sweet embrace.
I just wish that i could hold you till
I knew everything would be all right.

You left like a light
being bathed in pure dark.
I wish you were here
So this wouldn't hurt my heart

But,

From this experience
I have learned,
to love and love
and be loved in return.


I miss your hug
I miss your love                                                 
I miss your smile
I miss your heart
And it's torn me apart.


I loved that hat,
and the way we'd make fun of Melodie's cat:
"It's not "Angel Baby", it's "Devil Spawn."


But now you're gone,
and that song
always reminds me of you.


I hear the song, 
I try to cry,
But I can't...
I'm trying to be strong.


Sometimes I wish
that I could just die,
I begin to get a tear in my eye,
when I think of seeing you again.                                  


But,


"I must be strong                                                                           
and carry on"
because...
I know
that God's not ready for me to be in heaven.


I miss you Daddy,
I miss you soo much.
I wish you were here
so I could feel your touch.




If you only saw the outside my dad would seem to be a bad candidate to choose for a role model, or someone to look up to...but he is my role model. My dad may have been an alcoholic for most of my life, but when he wasn't drunk...and even when he was, he was the best dad ever. When i was a young child i used to sit on his knee and watch "The Lawrence Welk Show" and be bounced up and down. He was a religious man that made sure that we said our prayers every night and went to church every Sunday. He may have went through some hard times, but he was never a bad man. As I type about him i can smell his cologne and feel his strong arms around me, holding me safe and warm. Many, many memories flood back to me. One I remember very clearly was when my dad was trying to teach me how to dance, he let me stand on his toes and promised me that he would dance with me when i was older. I always imagine dancing with him at my wedding, but that will never happen. Even so, i know that he will be there in spirit. He is constantly on my mind. If someone says something and i comment a certain way i can see my dad in me. My dad is the best thing that ever happened in my life. He was always so full of life and love. I aspire to be like him in most ways, some ways i could do without...like working at a resturant the rest of my life....or being an alcoholic...or getting divorced....or dying too young. Some things may change in life, but the way i feel about my father never will. I love him more than the entire world and everything else in it times a thousand. My dad will always be with me in spirit and inside me, i hope that one day i can find a man as amazing as him to marry. I love you so much dad, and i hope that you look at this and laugh. 

This was from my sister, but I feel it pertinent to repost. I feel the same way as my sister. Patricia, if you read this, just know you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met. Any woman I marry, I want them to get along with you, if not be close friends with you. You are my sister, but much more than that, you assumed a motherly role for me much too young in your life, one of the most self-sacrificial things anyone could do. Shit, you were 5, and you made sure I ate when daddy was drunk and mommy fled the house. You know more about Daddy than I have ever known. I didn't even know they called a coroner. I would like to sit down with you and learn stuff about him Joel and Barb never bothered to tell me. You held me in your arms as I was crying when we left the cemetery. That will forever be instilled in my mind, the way you could reach out even in your immense suffering. Scott and I are probably the closest things you have to Dad, so save a dance for me at your wedding. I'll even learn how. Your immense expression of your feelings in your poetry make me tremble, and put to shit any rhyme, any expression I could ever give of my feelings, anything. Patricia, you are not only the mom I never had, you are my best friend, my other half, one of my reasons to get up in the morning. I miss how much we click when we're together, how much I look like you, how much I look up to you. Yeah, we get pissed at each other, but that's because we're the same person. Of course we would. You definitely have a few imperfections, and that's what makes you amazing. If any potential soulmate for you points out anything slightly sideways, call me. I will be more than happy to give him a piece of my mind. I love you, Patricia, more than you will ever know.

Lastly, please give my sister's blog a look.Patricia Therese Sauer.

God Bless...I miss you dad. I love you Patricia.